Richard Littlejohn is a columnist for the Daily Mail - arguably the most well known, because of his consistently appalling opinions. A former writer for The Sun, every week he spits bile assaulting the topics that he knows will wind up the people who calls ‘Guardianistas‘. Asylum seekers, gays and political correctness are amongst the favourite topics tackled by the man who is said to be Nick Griffin’s favourite columnist. Littlejohn’s attacks on “poovery”, as he calls homosexuality, have become so well known, that the Guardian have in the past actually run a “Littlejohn audit”, which in 2004 found that in the preceding year, he referenced homosexuality 104 times in 90 columns. Impressive.

Perhaps one of the most infamous Littlejohn columns, that really illustrate what an awful man he is, was his column shortly after the Ipswich murders, in which five prostitutes were killed. Richard, or “Dick”, as he may also be called, in his usual tactful style said that:

“in the scheme of things the deaths of these five women is no great loss.”

“They weren’t going to discover a cure for cancer or embark on missionary work in Darfur.”

Because obviously Littlejohn was writing this just after getting back from Dafur, having set aside a couple of minutes on the flight back to carry out some pioneering research.

When you think about it, being a columnist is really no better than being a prostitute- the only difference is that Littlejohn (thankfully) isn’t selling his body, but is selling his bigotry - and terrifyingly, the Mail are willing to pay upwards of £700,000 a year for this “service”.

One of the most famous Littlejohn moments was during an argument with Will Self on Radio 5 Live, about their respective books. Self admitted to only having read half of Littlejohn’s book, and then they had the following exchange when Self criticised it:

LITTLEJOHN: But you haven’t read the book in its totality and you have to read the book in its totality.

SELF: Why?

LITTLEJOHN: In order to understand it.

SELF: Does it turn into Tolstoy at page 205?

LITTLEJOHN: No it doesn’t turn into Tolstoy. I don’t set out to be Tolstoy. It is a much more complex book than that.

Amazing.

Picture credit: here.

1. austen
   May 19th, 2008 at 5:01 pm

   what a thoroughly horrible little man

2. Jonathan Rothwell
   May 19th, 2008 at 5:23 pm

   Pretty impressive… although I prefer your earlier analysis in the form of an open letter.

3. Two Minute Hate » Prince Phillip
   May 20th, 2008 at 8:16 am

   [...] He said that “If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?” in the wake of the Dunblane school shooting… which makes him approximately equally as tactful as Richard Littlejohn. [...]

4. scott kilgour
   July 16th, 2008 at 5:13 pm

   little john for prime minister. you sound like one of the bleeding liberal hearts.

5. Nick
   July 21st, 2008 at 3:43 pm

   I almost feel sorry for the chinless cunt, must be a hard life hating or fearing pretty much everyone. Still, I’d happily forgo my heterosexuality for half an hour if I had him tied down; I’d see it as a form of national service.

6. Sarie
   August 4th, 2008 at 3:42 pm

   I live in York and the fact that we have only one gay bar is tempered by the sheer delightfulness of it being called The Little John.

7. Damo Mackerel
   September 27th, 2008 at 11:21 pm

   Ah Richard LittleJohn. The Guardian readers worst nightmare… he must be doing something right. Definately should become Prime Minister.

8. Don Canard
   November 11th, 2008 at 3:09 pm

   Richard LittleJohn

   What a complete arse.

   A vapid, borderline racist idiot who clearly had a charisma bypass sometime in the late 1970’s.

   His homophobia is anachronistic and ridiculous. Seriously, Richard, it’s 2008 and some people are gay. Get over it.

   But this fool is no ‘Guardian reader nightmare’ given his laughably feeble intellect. My children often present far superior arguments for me buying them sweets than LittleJohn presents for his insipid political ‘insights’

   He is an inconsequential wind bag inflated with nothing more than the flatulence of self importance.

9. mark
   November 23rd, 2008 at 4:08 pm

   Richard littlejohn is a patriot like all conservatives or daily mail readers.We stand for personal liberty,personal responsibility,patriotism decency and common sense. Our enemies on the political left are immoral infantile traitors who believe that they have the right to boss everyone about ,tax us until the pips squeak and that they know how to run our lives better that we do. There is a word for people who want to control other people’s opinions “Fascists”.I decide what i think and if any Guardian reader wants to take away my liberty they will have to fight me.And by the way I’m a soldier.

10. gazza
    December 2nd, 2008 at 11:48 am

    I can write “satire” in the style of Dad’s Army sketches. And pen words to the tune of “Knees up mother Brown” when mocking our PM. My mates in the sixth form always thought I was hilarious. I offered my services to the Daily Mail for £100 a week and asked them to be honest with themselves. What were they paying Littlejohn for the same thing ?

11. mark
    December 3rd, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    To Gazza If your satire is that good why don’t you try and get it published and I am being serious.Richard Littlejohn is the antidote to all those smug middle class media types.He is entitled to his views however much you disagree with him.It is called freedom of speech and it is something that all democrats believe in.Those who do not are fascists and must be fought against whether they are on the right or left of politics.

12. gazza
    December 3rd, 2008 at 9:57 pm

    Mark
    You miss the point. Regardless of his opinions,or whether I agree with them or not, he writes puerile long winded laugh an hour crap for which he gets paid too much. I’ve read better in the Beano.

13. mark
    December 4th, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    To Gazza.I really like what he has to say.It may be rubbish to you but to old fashioned patriots and libertarians like me he is a defender of our rights and our country as it used to be.We have seen what has happened when traitors and neophiles take over our once great nation.It may be old fashioned to you but Richard Littlejohn and his supporters believe in freedom and patriotism and for that I for one am grateful to him.That is the point…….

14. gazza
    December 4th, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    No it isn’t.

15. mark
    December 4th, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    Oh Gazza. Are you jealous because Richard Littlejohn earns more than you do and is more popular.Never mind. You carry on ranting - it gives the rest of us a good laugh. I mean Mr Littlejohn’s column.I would not laugh at you .That would be unkind.

16. Kevin
    December 5th, 2008 at 9:35 pm

    Ah our once great nation of imperialism, slavery and good old fashioned christian values Littlejohn longs for

17. mark
    December 6th, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    To Kevin.It was a great nation once.We were not perfect by any means .However it was the British who fought to abolish slavery and our empire did at least try to improve the countries we took over.E.g. rule of law parliament etc.What do you think would the natives have done if we had not gone there? Sat on bean bags and shared their feelings? No they would have carried on killing each other as they do now.E.g. Rwanda,Zimbabwe etc

18. Don Canard
    December 8th, 2008 at 2:46 pm

    Mark,

    For now, let’s put the wild simplification of what was Britain’s morally despicable imperialism aside for a moment.

    You have failed to understand the point about Littlejohn. He is a poor ambassador for the ‘traditional’ values that you profess to believe in, primarily because he is a self opinionated vile bully with no sense of proportion.

    His output, even when measured up against the universally piss poor, knee-jerk reactionary nonsense found throughout the Daily Hate, is evidence of truly horrendous, hate filled and entirely fact free ‘journalism’.

    Littlejohn cuts a sad, bitter figure; a little man in the midst of a huge mid life crisis. He is at best a border line racist. He is also openly sexist and misogynistic and he is homophobic to the point of being obsessed.

    In fact, he goes on about man on man action so much that I wonder if he could possibly be in the closet himself..

    His antiquated and offensive views have no place in modern Britain. He is out of date and out of time - an intellectual and moral dinosaur.

    If you genuinely wish to promote certain ‘traditional’ values other than those usually associated with hate crimes, then perhaps you ought to find a more worthy bedfellow, because Littlejohn is a fucking twat.

19. john littledick
    December 8th, 2008 at 9:12 pm

    That’s easy for you to say, quacky !

20. mark
    December 10th, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    To Don Canard.Why is there no place for Richard l
    Littlejohn’s views.Surely the point about living in a democracy is that there is room for everyone’s views.It is not for you or me or anyone to censor other people’s opinions.You may not agree but there are plenty of people who do.It was Voltaire who said ” I may disagree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it”. That is the acid test of believing in free speech!!!!!

21. Don Canard
    December 11th, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    At what point did I promote the (admittedly attractive) notion of forcibly silencing Littlejohn? I haven’t. If he were to be silenced by an unfortunate event, I certainly wouldn’t be heartbroken, but I do happen to believe in freedom of speech.

    Unlike Voltaire however, I’m not sure I would ‘defend to the death’ the rights of racist, xenophobic fuckwits like Littlejohn to spout hateful and offensive rubbish.

    That’s the Daily Mail’s Job

    There is of course room in a progressive and compassionate society for Littlejohn’s views…in the same way that there is room on a bus or train for a tramp that smells of shit…

22. john littledick
    December 11th, 2008 at 6:30 pm

    Quackers has got a point, Mark. Even you must admit he looks like the bastard offspring of Nick Griffin and Herman Goering. And more than likely he on has one testicle.

23. gazza
    December 11th, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    Nick Griffin and Herman Goering ? Not physically possible. More like Edwina Currie and Hermann Goering.

24. mark
    December 12th, 2008 at 12:38 am

    to Don Canard.I am glad that you believe in freedom of speech.Secondly I would like to find people who like me who would defend traditional values.However it seems that Richard Littlejohn and the daily Mail are the only ones who have the necessary courage.If you can think of more worthy patriots that I could support ,i would.Or perhaps I should do it myself and be the last patriotic freedom loving Englishman alive.

25. Don Canard
    December 12th, 2008 at 6:51 pm

    Mark,

    I am afraid that your request runs contrary to my better judgement. It’s not for me to identify a more socially acceptable, insidious bigot than Richard Littlejon. Why would I want to help you further justify and entrench views that are based on archaic prejudice and ugly intolerance?

    You have been exposed to an undeniable truth - people like Littlejohn are ridiculous not because of what they look like, or sound like or dress like, but because of what they believe in. Anyone you find (no matter how well presented) that actually subscribes to the kind of offensive ideology found in the Mail will eventually become a figure of ridicule, just like Littlejohn.

    This is because bigotry can longer hide behind an ‘acceptable’ face. The world has simply moved on.

    You talk of ‘traditional values’, but what good can come of values so week that they have to be labelled as ‘traditional’? None. The truth is that values really worth believing in endure throughout the ages. In reality this deceptive little ‘traditional’ label is nothing more than Daily Mail code for racism, sexism, religious intolerance and homophobia.

    Real values are timeless and as relevant for Britain today as ever they were in years gone by. Values like Tolerance, Fairness, Kindness, Honesty, and Courage. Values that perpetuate Love and Hope.

    Perhaps now you can see that Littlejohn is no patriot. He is a traitor to these true values of Great Britain because anyone can see that he is Intolerant, Unfair, Unkind, Dishonest and Cowardly. He perpetuates only Hatred and Fear.

    So, if you really want something worthwhile to believe in, and someone worthwhile to inspire you, then perhaps you ought to put down your copy of the Mail and stop believing the small minded tripe found within its sullied pages.

    Frankly, it’s beneath you Sir.

    It is beneath us all.

26. john littledick
    December 13th, 2008 at 12:57 am

    Frankly, ducky, we don’t give a damn. It’s been five hours…Mark must me working up to a biggy.

27. john littledick
    December 13th, 2008 at 12:59 am

    Sorry.. make that 6 hours . I’ve had a few.

28. mark
    December 16th, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    To those people waiting for my reply;sorry it took so long.I support traditional values because in the past they have created a decent society where liberty,,fairness and personal responsibility were encouraged.These values have been under attack since the 1960’s and this is why Britain is Broken.Richard Littlejohn supports those people who work,pay taxes and obey the law.His enemies wish to punish such people and reward the lazy the feckless and the criminal.As for rascism,it was the Daily Mail who campaigned hardest against the killers of Stephen Lawrence and Richard Littlejohn himself is in favour of civil partnerships.As for being a traitor he wants our nation to be run by us and not by unelected foreigners or even unelected British people.e.g.Gordon brown.I have the feeling that Don Canard hasn’t even read any of Richard Littlejohn’s work.I was going to say that he should but it is not for me to say what anyone should or should not read say or think.Don canard it seems to me wants to tell me what my views ought to be and that to me is not acceptable in a free society.what ever Mr Littlejohn’s views are he is entitled to them as long as he accords the same right to others.That is the point of free speech.You can’t tell people what views they should or should not have if you believe in free speech.Challenge his views or mine by all means ;hold your own beliefs and I would happily defend that right but please do not tell me what to think or what I should read.If you think it is rubbish then that is your right but it is not your right to take away someone else’s right to express their views.I also wonder:Muslims express views which are far more extreme than those held by Mr Littlejohn.Would you call for them to be censored or is it that like all leftwing liberals you are afraid of ISLAM?

29. Don Canard
    December 17th, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    Oh for goodness sake! I thought explaining abiogenesis to creationists was hard work…
    Once again, there is no such thing as ‘traditional’ values. There are just ‘values’ that either stand the test of time, or do not. For example, Racism and Homophobia were once considered ‘values’, but have since become ‘bigotry’ and, moreover, ‘hate crimes’. Some people (such as Littlejohn and most of the Daily Hate editorial team) cannot accept what has been a paradigm shift in the moral zeitgeist of great Britain over the last 30 years, so they stick the word ‘traditional’ in front of their outmoded ‘values’ and hope for the best…
    I fail to see how our liberty has been ‘under attack’ (that’s a little alarmist, don’t you think?) since the 1960’s. In fact, I think the evidence reveals that we have become a far more liberal, mature and inclusive society since that time. And that makes us a Great nation and makes me proud to be British.
    Far from not having ‘read his work’ (or as I like to describe it, ‘sifted through his shit’), I have had the misfortune of reading his idiot diatribes on more than one occasion. Its nasty work, but someone has to keep an eye on the twat, so to speak. Let’s take ‘personal responsibility and fairness’, shall we?
    Was Littlejohn demonstrating ‘personal responsibility and fairness’ when he said:
    “Does anyone really give a monkey’s about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them.”
    Wow… What a humanitarian. Or perhaps when he suggested after the dreadful Ipswich murders of five women that the victims were
    “disgusting, drug-addled street whores….no great loss”.
    Wow… How companionate…Or when he described Barack Obama as
    “Uppity”.
    Wow… A defining moment in our history, a Black President, with most of the western world jubilant and filled with hope, and this is all the pugnacious tosser can come up with?
    Demonstrably, with clear evidence of which I have only scratched the surface, he is an offensive, homophobic, ill mannered, racist, misogynistic arsehole. And yet, you claim that Littlejohn ‘supports those people who work, pay taxes and obey the law’ Well who doesn’t? I meant really, what a silly, self evident and obvious thing to support. Perhaps he also supports ‘not punching pensioners in the face’? Sorry, but we don’t get the moral equivalent of a blue peter badge for recognising what are the very minimum standards of social ethics.
    What is perhaps more of a moral and ethical stretch is the inverse of your very own definition, that is; to support those who cannot work, to support those who cannot pay taxes, and to support those who fall into a life of crime. But Littlejohn’s answer to those unfortunate enough to fall into those areas is more or less “bollocks to them” which isn’t very fair, and doesn’t demonstrate a great deal of responsibility. Any anyway, if we were to listen to Littlejohn seriously we would all believe that only the white middle classes work, pay tax and obey the law. This is clearly bollocks. Millions of middle class white people are fucking lazy and rely on nepotism / old boy networks to get ahead and get a job where they can do as little as possible for far, far too much money. They then spend most of their time working out how to NOT pay tax, so they can spend vast quantities of money on cocaine which they snort in the office toilets and bray about, the worthless cunts. The point is, sweeping generalisations and tired clichés like the ones that LJ makes about immigrants / single mums / the working classes / Polish builders /gay people etc all the fucking time are not helpful.
    People should be judged as individuals based on their on their own merit. And at any rate, if you really think that it’s possible to have a normal life and not break at least one law then you are either deluded or naive. Littlejohn has broken a few laws in his time, that’s for sure..
    Anyway, you mentioned that “His enemies wish to punish such people and reward the lazy the feckless and the criminal” WTF? Now you are starting to sound about as paranoid and persecuted as the average Daily Wail headline. Try to relax. The world isn’t going to end, we are not at war, and Littlejohn doesn’t really have enemies. Soldiers in war zones have enemies. Let’s try to put things into perspective eh?
    Littlejohn is a merely a substandard, right wing hack who is well past his sell-by date. Many, many people dislike him and openly criticise him because he is an offensive arsehole. But that does not mean they are stalking him through the streets armed to the teeth, ready to pounce. Frankly, he isn’t that important. And, given recent events, I think its fair to say that the kind of fundamentalist free market capitalism that the right wing seem to lap up has proven to be an excellent method for rewarding ‘the lazy the feckless and the criminal”. Just a thought…
    You go on to say “As for rascism (sic), it was the Daily Mail who campaigned hardest against the killers of Stephen Lawrence and Richard Littlejohn himself is in favour of civil partnerships.”
    Oh Dear Lord. Where to begin…
    How about…campaigning against suspected racist murderers does not make you a guiding beacon of the racial equality movement. It makes you a normal human being. No ‘ethical bonus points’ for the Mail there I am afraid, and in fact, to see this ‘campaigning’ as in any way virtuous other than being normal human behaviour is a quite worrying. We are back to the moral equivalent of ‘Not punching Grannies in the Face’. Again.
    And as for LJ being ‘in favour of civil partnerships’? Well that’s good of him!! Seriously, so fucking what? Is there really a valid reason for him to NOT be in favour of civil partnerships? No. So, are we back to ‘Not Hitting Grannies in the Face’ again? Yes we are. Good grief!
    However hard he may try to pretend or appease or ‘weasel word’ otherwise, LJ has a major and well documented problem with Homosexuality, and by today’s (thankfully progressive) standard he is often bordering on committing an offense.
    Deep down the man must either be (a) Gay, in which case it’s about time he just came out about it, or (b) he really is an actual, proper homophobe, in which case he shouldn’t be allowed to work in journalism, any more than, say, a holocaust denier.
    You go on to say “As for being a traitor he wants our nation to be run by us and not by unelected foreigners”
    But, oh…dear… I can’t be arsed getting into a debate about the European Union when it’s preceded with the phrase ‘unelected foreigners’. I am not convinced I will get anywhere and I have wasted enough of my life debating Europe with the ‘Keep the Groat’ brigade to no avail already…
    As for Brown being ‘unelected’, well, you have failed to understand the mechanics of our constitution… We do not elect the executive in this country for very good reasons – This is not America. We elect the legislature and the executive’s survival is penned to the legislature’s approval of its existence. Therefore, there is absolutely no requirement from the Prime Minister to hold a General Election upon being appointed by the Queen. There have in fact been around 6 ‘unelected’ PM’s in Britain since 1916, the last being John Major in 1990 after the Tories assassinated Thatcher.
    I wonder, did you complain about this issue as vigorously then? Hmmm.
    As for the rest of your rant, well it’s a bit of a ramble if I am honest. No, I am not trying to tell you want to think, or what to read. That would be ridiculous. I am certain I used phrases like ‘I suggest’, and ‘perhaps you ought’ etc – think of it as me trying to do you a favour. Alas, one can lead a horse to water….
    I am however, pointing out that freedom of speech has its limits, after which it becomes incitement to hatred which is illegal (not sure that LJ loves obeying that part of the law quite so much, eh?)
    I am also pointing out with what I think are fairly well reasoned arguments why Littlejohn is considered by so many to be an offensive twat (and hence why he is on a website ridiculing offensive twats). Is that unreasonable of me? No. It’s not like I have posted my views on a ‘We think LJ is great’ website is it? So I am not sure that I need to justify posting my anti-LJ views here, and I’m not sure why you are so offended at finding anti-LJ views here, other than if you are following the tried and tested Mail tactic of ‘Find something you normally wouldn’t look at that will offend you and then get offended by it’…
    Erm, no, I am not afraid of ISLAM any more than I am afraid of CHRISTIANITY, BUDISM, or the NORSE GODS OF VALHALLA. As a committed atheist, all to me are equally delusional belief systems. Although, having said that, I am not going to go all Richard-Dawkins-super-angry-atheist any time soon, as much as I like his work and his books. I have always found people of faith, when seen as individuals, to be thoroughly decent and kind people. Many understand the shortcomings of the faith they subscribe to but feel powerless to change it, and I have no problem with them. I do have a problem with some of the nonsense they are expected to believe, but I am happy to be respectful towards religions as long as they don’t preach it at me or try to teach it in the science class. You are right to say however that there are some elements of the Islamic faith that espouse extremist views, and that is to be condemned. However, they are not alone in hiding their ugly bigotry behind the veils and cloaks of religious sensibilities. There are certainly elements of Christianity that are adept at that as well. So really, your point has nothing to do with Islam, it is to do with Religion. And that is an existential debate which I fear lies outside of the remit covered by this board.
    To surmise then, and bring this jolly exchange to a close - Am I trying to censor freedom of speech, or freedom of religion? No. But I am reflecting, robustly, that the world has moved on and that certain viewpoints and attitudes are no longer acceptable. This isn’t just my opinion, it is the national consensus, and has been enshrined in law. When ignorant turds like Littlejohn open their moths and drag us back 40 years, it’s offensive, dangerous and morally reprehensible. And so yes, he leaves himself open to justified ridicule and derision
    Because he is a cunt.
    That’s my lot. Fuck this board.
    Comrades! Put Down your Daily Mail FTW!

30. gazza
    December 17th, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    Be honest Mark- it’s you and Littlejohn who are irrationally afraid of Islam. Like him, you tar every muslim with the same brush.I decided to read his contribution in the Mail yesterday. Islamaphobe and homophobe to the last. Out of all the news this week he chose to highlight the wanted terrorist hired as an advisor to Scotland Yard. Yes it was bad that this happened, but he writes about it only because it involved a muslim so that he can sensationalise,tantalise and titillate the brigade of blue rinse groupies who read his column.Why not write about the $50 billion fraudster? too white ,too right wing, no sensation there.What about the plungeing pound with the euro ? No chance- this is contradicting his already known europhobic principles. 99.9% of muslims (I’ve nothing to substantiate this, but then again, Littlejohn never does with his facts and figures)are probably law abiding tax paying citizens. My guess is that the percentage with WASPs is somewhat less. Of course, he ropes in Abu Hamzer or Captain Hook as he calls him (what wit!)because he, for Littlejohn and you epitomises your average muslim. His other contribuiton is about the police offering goody bags to late night revellers, suggesting the British copper is depairing. When did he last speak to a British copper from is Florida pile ? I would think they welcome the idea, it was obviously worked out thoughtfully. And he couldn’t resist the queer bashing dig by suggesting there may be pink bags for Brighton. What a sad twat. He’s suggesting the police are being detracted from catching murderers and robbers. What if we all followed his lead and recriminalised homosexuality and chucked out the muslims. How much time will the police spend on that ? And then,what would he have to write about next? Aussies coming over here taking up all the bar work in London ? The Irish ? The Welsh ? How about the left- no,that’s too broad a spectrum ;anyone outside the BNP is a leftie as far as Littlejohn’s concerned.

31. John littledick
    December 17th, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    As Duck Drastically takes his leave, Gazza, that loveable Toon buffoon, takes up the mantle (while his mate Five Bellies takes up the rest of the fireplace ). When Mark gets back from choir practice, he’ll surely splutter a reposte of such stinging blah blah blah..

32. mark
    December 17th, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    oh dear .I have stirred up a hornet’s nest.I think it is the anti Littlejohn Brigade who are now ranting.I enjoy reading what they have to say if only to confirm that I must be right or at least partially right.You Lefties seem to be really rattled by the fact that there is an opposing view.Get over it please .It is like reading a teenage temper tantrum written by one of Communism’s useful idiots.

33. John littledick
    December 17th, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    Ah, now be fair. Ok Dicky the duck has gone home and taken his bat, but jolly Geordie Wor Gazza, .. well, fair comment, I say.

34. Don Canard
    December 17th, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    LOL.

    Tantrum? No. Just loving the cut and thrust of this debate.

    Face it Mark, your argument has collapsed. What did you expect would happen when you chose to defend a racist bigot?

    But I do agree with you on one thing.

    You certainly are ‘Right’.

    Only, I’d say you are more than ‘Partially Right’.

    I’d go as far as to say you are ‘Fully Right’.

    Just like Nick Griffin.

    He reads the Mail too, apparently. When he isn’t reading Mein Kampf.

35. GAZZA
    December 17th, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    Thanks, John. I’d buy you a pint, burram norralood te tooch it, like.

36. Don Canard
    December 17th, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    John, I was going for ‘Dramatic Closing Statement’ rather than ‘Taking Bat Home’. Sorry to disappoint, like, but I’m doing my best here..

37. john littledick
    December 17th, 2008 at 6:06 pm

    Don - take a bow, pal, you were magnifico.
    Gazza- Wayabooga, ya! It really is you !

38. Don Canard
    December 17th, 2008 at 6:16 pm

    Thanks John. It’s been emotional.

39. john littledick
    December 17th, 2008 at 6:17 pm

    Oi, twominutehate bloke. I’m fed up with Littlejohn. Put someone else (like someone we all know!) on. How about Tara Palmer Tomkinson- whoever they are.

40. GAZZA
    December 17th, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    Haway, man !

41. Don Canard
    December 17th, 2008 at 6:23 pm

    Another spoilt trust-fund coke biatch with more money than septum…

42. GAZZA
    December 17th, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    … and bloody ugly- Bride of Littlejohn !

43. Miles
    December 17th, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    Mark, despite being left-wing, it’s actually the self-righteous and sanctimonious attitude that you and your ilk have down to a tee that angers someone like myself.

    Oh, and Voltaire never actually said ‘I may disagree with what you say; I will defend to the death your right to say it’. That quote is often falsely attributed to him by people who have never bothered to read his works.

44. Damo Mackerel
    December 17th, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    How about the entire Labour party? Here’s a site everyone will appreciate: http://bastardoldholborn.blogspot.com/

45. Nick
    March 12th, 2009 at 5:45 am

    Shame none of you wankers have got the guts that RLs got, Queer cunts

46. John the Bap
    March 20th, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Fuckwit

47. Don Canard
    March 20th, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    @ Nick

    There is a possibility that you are simply being an incredibly ironic troll, in which case, well done sir, very droll.

    If not, and you are in fact a garden-variety fucknut, then please accept my most sincere congratulations. I am genuinely impressed that you are able to use a computer unaided. Unless of course you have a home helper or something, in which case, please accept my apologies, I didn’t mean to take the piss.

    Your amusing grasp of the English language sadly does not disguise your appalling homophobia, or your generally obnoxious demeanour.

    Perhaps you could expand on your core philosophy and explain exactly how it takes ‘guts’, or courage , to express racist, homophonic and / or sexist views in the most unkind way possible without being incited for hate crimes? Because that is about the extent of Littlecock’s so called ‘journalism’.

    I imagine he must feel proud and honoured to have your unswerving support…

48. john littledick
    March 21st, 2009 at 1:09 am

    Be fair on Nick, you two. Didn’t you notice the time he wrote it ? He’d been watching porn for 10 hours solid and his brain was as sore as his wrist was swollen. He inadvertantly stumbled upon this website and wankers and cunts were the first words that came to mind. Mind you, Nick - guts and Rls , well that’s just plain pervy ! Gayboy !

49. Nick
    March 22nd, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    Put these Toytown Talibandits on the first flight home

    By Richard Littlejohn
    Last updated at 8:01 AM on 13th March 2009

    * Comments (271)
    * Add to My Stories

    You couldn’t make it up. One of the Muslim headbangers screeching hatred at British troops this week turns out to be employed as a baggage handler at Luton Airport.

    So let’s get this straight: a fanatical supporter of a global jihadist movement best known for blowing up planes and crashing them into buildings is considered a fit and proper person to be given an air-side pass, which could potentially afford him the chance to plant a bomb?

    Jalal Ahmed’s job involves loading bags onto aircraft. I’m sure you find that reassuring as you plan your next sunshine break.
    Jalal Ahmed protesting

    Extremist: Jalal Ahmed’s job at Luton airport ‘is dangerous’

    His employers say he has passed all criminal record and security checks and works only parttime and during peak periods, when the airport is busiest. So that’s all right, then. Best to avoid Luton at Bank Holidays and half-term, though, just to be on the safe side.

    Airport officials insist: ‘He would be in a supervised environment at all times.’

    Somehow, I doubt that’s the kind of ’supervised environment’ most of us would like to see him in. That would involve orange jumpsuits, armed guards, razor-wire and large dogs.

    A spokesman added that the airport authorities had no idea that one of their employees was involved in the demonstration. I don’t suppose they did, especially as they had no idea, either, that Jalal Ahmed is connected to an illegal Islamist organisation which supports international terrorism and wants to impose Sharia law in Britain.

    My guess is that not only didn’t they know, they didn’t want to know and made no effort to find out, lest they be accused of committing the mortal sin of ‘racial profiling’.

    It’s the same warped mindset which sees groups of young Muslim men, accompanied by faceless women in burqas, waved through airport security without so much as a cursory glance, while old-age pensioners from Tunbridge Wells on their way to a long weekend in Madeira are subjected to the full Spanish Inquisition and a humiliating strip search.

    The authorities are terrified of anything which might lead to charges of ‘Islamophobia’ being levelled against them. In that respect, the powers-that-be at Luton Airport are only following the official policy of this Government and its various agencies.

    Appeasement and indulgence are the order of the day when it comes to dealing with Muslim extremism. Speak softly, and on no account carry a big stick.

    Only yesterday we learned that even Boris Johnson, the Tory Mayor of London, has just doled out £30,000 of taxpayers’ money to some dubious front organisation run by a prominent al Qaeda cheerleader, who encourages the killing of British soldiers in Iraq.

    That’s just a round of drinks in relation to the £90 million the Government shovels in the direction of assorted Islamist extremists. The belief seems to be that if we put them on the payroll and keep them sweet, they’ll agree not to blow us up.

    This official line extends through the police and the BBC. At this week’s march-past by the Royal Anglians in Luton, the dopey bird covering it for Radio 4’s PM programme saw no reason to mention the ethnicity of the demonstrators, although she did make a point of identifying those confronting them as ‘hard-core, young white males’. No racism there, then.
    The Royal Anglians

    Hostile reception: The Royal Anglians would be forgiven for charging with their bayonets

    On the day, the Old Bill seem to have got it into their head that their job was to protect the right of Islamist nutjobs to accuse British soldiers of rape and baby-killing in a deliberate attempt to goad otherwise law-abiding people into committing a breach of the peace.

    The only arrests made were of supporters of the troops, who had turned out to watch the parade and were provoked beyond outrage at these vile slurs.

    One of those arrested has been charged with a ‘racially aggravated’ offence, just to prove the police’s even-handedness. Another diversity box ticked for the annual report.

    None of the young Muslim men inciting hatred were arrested. Nor were any of the sinister, masked women taking photos at the parade.

    More…

    * SHIRAZ MAHER: We’re mad to give £90m to these fanatics - I should know, I was one
    * MELANIE PHILLIPS: Labour’s policy is radicalising a whole new generation
    * ALUN HICKS: To think my son died for the sake of such bigots
    * ‘HE is the coward for mocking victims of friendly fire’: Families of dead soldiers react with fury to Muslim hate preacher
    * We must be mad to give £90m to these fanatics - and I should know, I used to be one
    * Muslim protester who works as baggage handler at Luton Airport has security pass suspended

    That’s curious, given that the police have recently lobbied successfully for the taking of photographs of police officers to be made a criminal offence, and have shown considerable enthusiasm in using this outrageous piece of legislation to harass snappers going about their lawful business.

    How do we know these women weren’t photographing soldiers to be targeted for assassination? We don’t. And the police weren’t interested in finding out, either.

    Mustn’t upset ‘peace-loving’ Muslims, must we?

    Bedfordshire Police has plenty of previous when it comes to ‘ sensitivity’. Officers are ordered to take off their shoes when entering a Muslim’s home, even when making an arrest, and avert their eyes from any woman present. And no police dogs must be used, because some followers of Islam consider dogs ‘unclean’.

    Can you imagine them showing such restraint, say, if confronted by a group of masked football hooligans making a nuisance of themselves at Luton Town FC? It would be dogs, riot shields and batons as a basis for negotiation.
    Police trying to control violent anti-Israel protesters in London this year

    Police trying to control violent anti-Israel protesters in London this year

    Then again, with Met police officers filmed running away from violent Muslim demonstrators at the recent anti-Israel demonstrations in London, Bedfordshire’s boys in blue were only conforming to type. Here come the Muslims, lads - leg it!

    This craven attitude doesn’t cut any ice with extremists; it only encourages and emboldens them. They spit in the face of our weakness.

    The Royal Anglians would have been forgiven had they fixed bayonets and charged. If these Toytown Talibandits consider themselves part of the global jihad and think killing British soldiers is a way to behave, let them step up to the plate - not hide behind a police cordon.

    Better still, let them heed the words of Justice Minister Shahid Malik, himself a Muslim: ‘If these people want an Islamic state, as they profess, my advice is to go to an Islamic country. Britain is multifaith and we are proud of that fact, as indeed we are of our soldiers.’

    Let’s hope Jalal Ahmed is sacked immediately from his job as a baggage handler and given a one-way ticket to the nearest theocracy.

    Because he’s exactly the kind of impressionable young man the Islamist puppet-masters recruit to become suicide bombers - like the July 7 gang, who coincidentally boarded a train at Luton before blowing themselves up on the London Transport network.

    And if he does decide to emulate them, when his allotted 72 virgins ask him if he’s truly been wafted there from Paradise, he can tell them in all honesty:

    ‘Nah, Luton Airport.’
    Up to their knees in stupidity

    Alongside libraries and parks, the public swimming pool was one of the greatest achievements of British civilisation.

    Generations lazed away the summer holidays at the local lido or indoor baths.

    Somewhere I’ve got a certificate to prove I could pick up a brick from the bottom of the deep end. (Along with a cycling proficiency certificate, it’s about the only qualification I have got.)

    But like libraries and parks, swimming pools have been neglected by councils obsessed with wasting money on other exciting ’services’.
    Lido

    The lido in east London which was closed to swimmers because it was ‘too wet’

    One by one, the old lidos have closed and the magnificent inner-city baths torn down and replaced, if at all, by ghastly ‘leisure’ centres.

    Inevitably, elf’n’safety has got in on the act. The diving boards we used for ‘bombing’ have long gone.

    But I’d never heard of a pool being closed because it was ‘too wet’.

    That’s the excuse wheeled out by elf’n’safety this week to clear a lido in East London.

    Swimmers have been told they must get out if it rains, because the lifeguards won’t be able to see them.
    health and safety gary cartoon.jpg

    And not even the private sector is safe. Jenny Lewis tells me that last year she and her friend stayed at a hotel in Woolacombe Bay, North Devon, where they enjoyed aquaaerobic exercise sessions.

    This year, her friend returned to find the pool had been refurbished.

    Now the water in the shallow end barely covers her knees, and the ‘deep’ end only comes up to her waist. When she tried to swim, she banged her knees on the bottom.

    There has never been an accident, so why was the pool drained? Answer: to stop people drowning and to save having to employ a lifeguard.

    But you can’t swim in it, either. So who needs a lifeguard? Job done.
    Only the crumbliest, flakiest

    There are calls in Scotland to slap a supertax on chocolate to fight obesity.

    But I suspect that’s not the real reason. Peggy Griffiths has just celebrated her 100th birthday and puts her longevity down to eating 30 bars of chocolate a week.

    If the Government does jack up the tax on chocolate and we can keep Peggy alive for a few more years, she’ll eat us out of Gordon’s black hole.
    Another identity crisis

    Lori Trott tells me she was recently refused knitting needles and a ball of wool at Beales department store, in Bedford, because she couldn’t prove she was over 18 - even though she admits to being the ‘wrong side of 50′.

    What did they think she was going to do - rustle up a quick balaclava and hold them up at needle-point?
    How is Leicestershire Council going with the sat-navs?

    The country may be bankrupt, but Leicestershire Council has managed to find £6,000 to equip its fleet of lawn-mowers with satellite navigation.

    However did they manage without it?

    I seem to recall York Council fitting sat-nav systems to its dustcarts to keep track of them. The following week, they were all stolen.
    Britain’s own Madoff - National Insurance

    American financier Bernard Madoff faces the rest of his life behind bars for robbing new investors to pay old investors.

    It’s called a Ponzi scheme.

    In Britain, we call it National Insurance.

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    Comments (271)

    Here’s what readers have had to say so far. Why not add your thoughts below?

50. Don Canard
    March 25th, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    @ Nick

    Epic Fail

    But really, congratulations for mastering both ‘copy’ and ‘paste’. This must be a proud moment for you.

    By the way, I try very hard to avoid Littlecock’s press output.

    Perhaps in future you could at least attempt to select actual quotes from Littlejohn’s effluvial dribblings that are germane to your argument?

    You will need to form an argument first.

    Dumping an entire day’s supply of Littlejohn’s racist bile, verbatim, is a bit like shitting in someone hat

    It’s really not considered that polite…

51. Emily Strange
    March 29th, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    I heart Don.

52. James Yelland
    March 29th, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    I love the notion his supporters have about “traditional” or “patriotic” values. If by this you mean you are someone who: is a boring fuck over the age of 35 who lives in Kent surburbia, a driver of a reasonably new Ford Mondeo, a middle income earner from a mediocre management job in a dull industry, sees the arts as ‘poofy’, watches programmes like Fred Dibnah and Dad’s Army repeats, has little knowledge of international affairs, likes complaining about most things in life and politics, cannot see the good/positive side of anything/anyone, thinks everything is expensive, believes in arguments blindly despite there being no evidence and calling it ‘common sense’, thinking Britain has ‘problems with immigration’ and that it is a country ‘going to the dogs’, and is deeply aspirational but not terribly bright… then I would suggest carry on reading Richard Littlejohn.

    If you are conservative/a Conservative with any intelligence, why not pick up a copy of The Telegraph, The Spectator, or The Economist… perhaps read some Hayek or something… but for god’s sake… The Dail Mail is not hated just by ‘liberal looneys’, it is hated by most - because it is written for thick people who don’t like to be challenged, I’m sorry to say.

    Failing this, carry on believing that the day you die, your house will be taxed off to the state and turn into an illegal immigrant filled crack-den, endorsed by the welfare state. YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP!

    Stewart Lee on RJ: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K21e7po1Sro

53. john littledick
    March 29th, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    Thanks for the link, Stew. Love the bit where Capt. Mainwaring said “Don’t tell him, Pike!”

54. Paul
    April 14th, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    @ James

    You are right in alot of what you said, as a libretarian its hard to find a party for me so the conservatives generally do. However i have to point out that immigration policy (or lack thereof) is a problem in this country, though im not saying all coloured people out etc…I would prefer a reasoned arguemnt about it without the likes of nazi rags like the mail, or lesbo fascist rags like the guardian.

    And the fact is like every generation we have problems with our country. Alot of which is the result of bumbling liberal jobsworth morons reading the wrong thing into good and well meaning equality laws.

    The fact is both extremes on both sides are wrong, and anybody who says immigration policy and practice is fine in this country at the moment must be bonkers. It needs to be fair and rationalised only then will the fascists not be able to comment on it

55. Nick
    April 16th, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    Not even in the Augean sleaze of the Major years did we have a Home Secretary claiming porn on expenses

    By Richard Littlejohn
    Last updated at 11:04 AM on 31st March 2009

    * Comments (188)
    * Add to My Stories

    So now we know how Jacqui Smith’s husband amuses himself while she’s snuggled up in her sister’s spare bedroom in South London.

    Back at the family’s ’second’ home in her Redditch constituency, Richard Timney likes to relax in a gentleman’s way in front of porno movies - which are then charged to the taxpayer as part of her parliamentary expenses.

    When I christened the Home Secretary ‘Jackboot Jacqui’ I had no idea that her husband was into that kind of thing.
    ‘Not that close anymore’: Richard and Jacqui in 1997 after winning the seat of Redditch

    Clinging on: If Jacqui Smith loses her seat, it will have a lot to do with her husband’s porn-viewing habits

    This flagrant abuse has come to light after it was revealed that Smith claimed £67 for a cable television subscription - including access to the Playboy Channel, the Adult Channel and Television X, listed euphemistically as ‘additional services’ to spare the subscriber’s blushes.

    Purely in the interests of research, you understand, I visited the Television X website to check out the schedule.

    In alphabetical order, it starts with ‘Anal Boutique’ and goes downhill from there. Suffice it to say, the line-up specialises in what we in the trade call ‘acts too disgusting to be described in a family newspaper’.

    Now, there is a charitable argument that any man married to a ‘Blair Babe’ should be entitled to pornography as a basis for negotiation. But whether the British taxpayer should have to pay for it is another matter altogether.

    Jackboots says she knew nothing about the porn channels, which were wrapped up in her internet account. The BBC, quick to leap to her defence, assures us she has given her husband a ‘good earbashing’ (which I believe can be found under ‘E’ on the Television X website and costs £4.95 for the full half-hour).

    More from Richard Littlejohn…

    * RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Morning, campers! Welcome to Hi-de-Hi Britain 09/04/09
    * RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Close the tax haven in your backyard, Gordon 06/04/09
    * RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Brand turns up at a G20 protest - as the global village idiot 02/04/09
    * RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Snouts are so deep in the trough we can’t see tails 30/03/09
    * RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: What on earth is Gordon Brown doing in Brazil? 26/03/09
    * We don’t need another whitewash inquiry, this is a matter for the police 23/03/09
    * LITTLEJOHN: This is the BBC Home Service. Keep calm, carry on and don’t panic, D-Day is cancelled 19/03/09
    * RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Share her pain? No, this woman doesn’t deserve a penny 16/03/09
    * VIEW FULL ARCHIVE

    She may not have known, but he certainly did. And Timney is not some na’ve house-husband, idling away the lonely nights while high-flying wifey is keeping the world safe from international terrorism.

    Timney is a full-time politician, paid £40,000 out of the public purse to be Smith’s adviser - in which capacity he has been known to write to their local paper singing her praises, while not actually mentioning that he’s married to her.

    He will have been well aware what ’services’ were being claimed on her expenses - he filled them in. Maybe he genuinely believed that claiming for dirty movies was legitimate. After all, if Gordon Brown can claim for his Sky Sports and Sky Movies subscription, it’s only a short stretch to the Playboy Channel.

    In any event, Jacqui Smith signed the expenses claim. Even if it was an ‘oversight’ she put her name to it and she accepted the money. Are we to believe that the Home Secretary is so slapdash she signs anything shoved in front of her, without bothering to read it?

    Actually, yes, seeing as half the time she appears to have no idea what is going on in her department.

    In the scheme of things, a few quid for some filthy films is a mere bagatelle when viewed in the context of the £100,000 Smith fraudulently claims from the taxpayer by pretending that her sister’s box room in Southwark is her ‘main’ home.

    As I have pointed out since this scandal broke, the Home Secretary has a perfectly serviceable grace-and-favour house in Belgravia at her disposal. It’s a short, chauffeur-driven hop from her department and, befitting the holder of one of the four great offices of state, is a great deal smarter than a scruffy terrace in South London, which from the outside looks one step up from a squat.

    More…

    * Humiliation of a minister: Jacqui Smith ‘could face axe’ after claiming taxpayers’ cash for husband’s pornographic films
    * MAIL COMMENT: Bare-faced fraud that taints every MP
    * Porn shame of Mr Jacqui Smith: Will their marriage survive this latest controversy?

    But if she lived rent-free in Belgravia, she wouldn’t be able to fiddle her expenses. Listing her sister’s address as her ‘main’ residence means she has been able to lavish a small fortune on her real family home in Redditch, all courtesy of the mug taxpayer.

    She’s even claimed for the kitchen sink - a £550 stone job. You couldn’t make it up.

    The Home Secretary, above all, must realise that ignorance is no defence. Even if she didn’t know what her husband was slipping through on her expenses, she should have done. It may not have been her fault, but it was her responsibility.

    All polls Click to view yesterday’s poll results

    At this stage, it is customary to say that if she had a shred of decency she would resign. But if she had a shred of decency she would have resigned when it was revealed that she was lying about her ‘main’ home in order to claim £100,000 of public money to which she is not entitled.

    Smith will probably cling on, for now. But when she’s voted out by the people of Redditch it will be her husband’s dirty movies which do for her, not the far greater ’second home’ swindle, just as it was the income tax evasion not the murder which claimed Al Capone.

    It won’t be enough for her to protest that they’re all at it, even though they are - as became increasingly apparent over the weekend.

    While these latest home truths about the Home Secretary’s expenses dominated the headlines, there were fresh revelations about the creative accounting methods of employment minister Tony McNulty and Left-wing MP Harry Cohen.

    It now appears that, as I have maintained all along, McNulty has committed a criminal offence in claiming allowances for his parents’ home in Harrow.

    And it has been revealed that Cohen, MP for Ilford, Essex, claims his ‘main’ home is a single-bedroom cottage and seaside caravan 70 miles from his constituency.

    Cohen has received a staggering £310,000 in ’second’ home allowances since he was elected. But he remains quite brazen about it all, claiming that when he entered parliament, MPs were encouraged to fill their boots.

    This is how it always ends, in a torrent of sleaze. With Labour mired in corruption and Gordon’s mini-me Nigel Griffiths caught having sex in the Commons with a stockinged slapper, we can almost look back on the final days of Johnny Major as a golden age of probity and propriety.

    Not even in the Augean squalor of Major’s government did we have a Home Secretary claiming pornography on expenses.

    The Smith-Timneys epitomise the kind of institutionally-corrupt, smug New Labour entitlement junkies who believe that the taxpayer should pick up the entire bill for their work, rest and play - even if that includes hard-core porn.

    Richard Timney has been wheeled out for a ritual apology, but it’s too late. We can only imagine Jackboots’s reaction when she got the phone call informing her what the cat got up to when the mouse was away.

    And you know what? Next time she claims that her sister’s spare room is her ‘main’ home, she might just be telling the truth for once.

56. Nick
    April 16th, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    Good morning, campers! And welcome to Hi-de-Hi Britain

    By Richard Littlejohn
    Last updated at 7:50 AM on 13th April 2009

    * Comments (106)
    * Add to My Stories

    The credit crunch and the collapse in the value of the pound mean that more of us are taking our holidays in Britain this year. As the Easter weekend got under way, travel agents reported that the number of air passengers leaving the country was down by ten per cent. More than five million people who would normally fly abroad have chosen to stay at home. And that’s good news for holiday camps. Almost driven to extinction by the cheap package holiday boom, both Butlin’s and Pontin’s have invested heavily and are enjoying a major revival. Bookings are at a level not seen since the Sixties as the British rediscover the joys of the traditional holiday camp. This column checked into the world-famous Maplins holiday camp, at Crimpton-on-Sea, Essex, to see what modern delights are on offer…

    ‘Good morning, campers. Hi-de-hi! Today’s forecast is for heavy rain and freezing temperatures. This is a global cold front, which began in America, and management takes no responsibility for the inclement conditions.

    ‘Our commandant - sorry, guest services manager - reminds you that, thanks to his foresighted programme of investment, Maplins is in better shape to weather this depression than most other holiday camps.

    ‘He utterly refutes all allegations that he failed to mend the roof when the sun was shining. Guests who are experiencing leaks and damp patches in their chalets should address their complaints to the previous management.

    ‘Our ambitious ten-year rolling refurbishment programme is ongoing and, when complete, every chalet will be equipped with designer stone sinks and the very latest, state-of-the-art wide-screen plasma televisions, currently to be found only in our staff quarters.
    Maplins

    ‘The programme has proved so successful that last weekend we were proud to entertain in our Polynesian Suite a party of MPs on a fact-finding mission. Many of them were so impressed, they have opted to participate in our timeshare scheme, which will allow them to designate their chalet as their main home for the purposes of Parliamentary expenses.

    ‘Campers are advised that the hole-in-the-wall cash machine next to the gift shop is temporarily out of funds. We apologise for any inconvenience. It should be back in service later today, just as soon as the management has printed some more money.

    ‘Would all our Eastern European visitors who have put their names down for fruit-picking and casual labouring please assemble next to the main gate to await transportation to local farms and building sites.

    ‘Those who choose not to work should make their way to the customer services booth where they will be issued with complimentary meal vouchers and free tokens to spend in the amusement arcade. Unfortunately, these concessions are not available to British citizens.

    More…

    * HARRY MOUNT: Why endure the torture of queues at the airport when Britain has unrivalled scenic beauty, art and architecture?
    * Wish you were here! Damp Bank Holiday weekend ahead… but it’s going to be WORSE in the Mediterranean

    ‘Maplins’ new Healthy Options breakfast menu is now being served in the cafeteria. Campers are invited to help themselves to the all-you-can-eat muesli and mango buffet. Fried breakfasts are no longer available and any guest caught trying to smuggle in a salt cellar will be escorted from the camp. Further information can be obtained from our friendly team of five-a-day co-ordinators.

    ‘Proof of identity will be required from everyone under the age of 65 in the Jolly Roger fun pub. This is a no-smoking facility and our bar staff have been instructed not to serve any guest with more than three units of alcohol per day. Any pregnant woman who attempts to obtain a second half of lager will be refused service for her own good and asked to leave the premises.

    ‘All guests are required to attend compulsory keep-fit classes. These are held every half hour in the pole-dancing club, which is situated between the Happy Endings massage parlour and the Tumble Tots creche in the model village.

    ‘Sunday’s Easter Egg hunt for the under-fives will set off from outside the 24-hour casino at noon. Entry forms can be obtained from Miss Smith, who can be found under the patio heater outside the sex shop.
    …And now the good news

    ‘We also regret that, on the advice of health and safety and our insurers, the swimming pool has been drained and the diving boards dismantled. Fishing from the pier is no longer permitted, on the instructions of the European Union.

    ‘The dodgems have been decommissioned because they are unable to comply with modern crash safety regulations, and the cost of installing air bags, traffic humps and speed cameras was prohibitive. The helter skelter has been closed because it has no wheelchair access.

    ‘Ditto, the Haunted House, which is being converted into a hostel for asylum seekers.

    ‘We also apologise to older campers that, unfortunately, the bowls tournament has had to be postponed indefinitely, owing to the illegal gipsy camp on the bowling green.

    TODAY’S POLL

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    All polls Click to view yesterday’s poll results

    ‘The good news is that we are able to offer lucky heather at half price and rides on stolen lawnmowers for the kiddies.

    ‘And the boating lake is due to reopen, once it is cleared of Tamil Tigers.

    ‘There will be no glamorous granny competition, not only because it is both sexist and ageist but also because these days some grannies are only 30.

    ‘Our annual beauty pageant has also been abandoned, on the advice of our diversity directorate. It was felt that the contest objectivised vulnerable women and encouraged rapists. The swimsuit section discriminated against campers who wear burkas.

    ‘The knobbly knees competition has also been ruled inappropriate. Instead, it will be replaced in the Jade Goody Theatre by Maplins’ Got Talent, hosted by TV’s Piers Morgan.

    ‘Alternative entertainment is available in the lecture hall, which tonight features a call for worldwide jihad from Sheik Omar Bakri, live by satellite.

    ‘And our popular karaoke nite goes ahead as planned. Ear-muffs will be provided to comply with anti-noise regulations. Knives must be handed in at the door.

    ‘Maplins Radio stars Russell Brand, who will ring up the elderly gentleman in Chalet 86 and tell him he has just had sex with his wife, with hilarious consequences.

    ‘We regret that Maplins mosque will remain closed until further notice while our Redcoats investigate claims that a number of guests were plotting to blow up the Agadoo Disco and Nite Klub. Our chief security officer, Mr Quick, has tendered his resignation after details of the operation were discovered in a carriage on the miniature railway.

    ‘All security inquiries should now be addressed to Mr Yates. He is particularly anxious to hear from anyone who may have witnessed an alleged assault on a camper by one of our Redcoats during the anti-globalisation demonstration outside the Housey Housey bingo hall.

    Campers are advised to take advantage of the free condoms and morning-after pills available from reception. Due to an unforeseen outbreak of MRSA, the First-Aid station has been closed and we are therefore temporarily unable to offer quickie abortions on demand.

    ‘Here at Maplins we take our commitment to the environment seriously and are determined to cut our carbon footprint accordingly. With climate change in mind, we are attempting to generate all our electricity on site, from the windmill on the crazy golf course. We apologise for the frequent power cuts we have been experiencing.

    ‘If you are checking out today, please be aware that our all-inclusive rate does not include access to pornographic films on demand, which must be paid for individually. Yes, that means you in Chalet 69, Mr Timney.

    ‘Don’t forget to pay your £50-ahead departure tax to Mr Darling at the cashier’s desk. And if you are leaving, please remember to take all your rubbish with you, since the waste bins in the chalets are emptied only once a fortnight. Thank you for choosing Maplins. Hi-de-hi!’

57. Don Canard
    April 20th, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Nick, you are a fucking idiot.

    Do you actually have any opinions of your own?

    Pasting LJ articles in is not the same as having an opinion

    It is, however, completely retarded.

    Hey web bloke, can’t you remove this shite?

    It’s not really adding anything to the debate.

58. Johnlittledick
    April 20th, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Hey, Nick . That must have taken you ages to type out. But probably not half as long as it took you to read it.

59. john littledick
    May 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    I defy the staunchest of Littlejohn fans to justify his insensitive crass picture in todays Mail. So what if a few people have died and others suffered. They’re all foreign !

60. BoroBajen
    May 2nd, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    FAO Don Canard - your reply to Mark earlier was very very clever - well done mate.

    But I think you and everyone lese might be missing the point with this Nick fella. Surely he’s taking the Mickey. I mean he came on the thread just after a certain far right leader of a political party was mentioned under the name ‘Nick’… Just a thought like!

61. BoroBajen
    May 2nd, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    I take back that last email, I have just read some of Nick’s posts on other pages - Kelvin Mac****ie to name one.

    What a tosser.

62. Nick
    May 2nd, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Good on ya Mark

63. Jon the Bap
    May 6th, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Mark? He last commented in December, around the time that Don totally kicked his arse…Fucking hell Nick, are you still catching up?… At least Mark appeared to have a functioning brain stem, even if he was a vile racists just like you.

64. Picking a paper: a bluffer’s guide to the UK press | I will do that for money
    August 6th, 2009 at 7:44 am

    [...] celebrity news and rants against the Government. Racist, homophobic Narnia resident extraordinaire Richard Littlejohn writes an opinion piece for the Mail. People who read the paper are probably the most likely in the [...]

65. depilacja laserowa
    May 5th, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    You`re right but in some cases it depend`s

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